Good morning,
I hope everyone had an amazing
weekend. I have to admit (not sure Ashley would agree) that this weekend was
one of the more relaxing, stress weekends I have had in a while. For myself
"stress free" might be a little different then some of you, or maybe
you go through the same thing.
Stress free for me isn't about
having nothing to worry about, taking a 4 hour nap, or even just doing what I
want. Stress free for me is more about not getting frustrated by small things.
Not getting agitated by too much noise or too many activities happening around
me at once. It was sitting and enjoying my kid’s soccer games, sharing a meal
with my family, playing legos with the little guy, going to church, and even
mowing the lawn and fixing sprinklers. It was having a sense of calm and
thankfulness.
I have been torn over the
weekend about writing about this, but the whole point of this blog is share my
thoughts and what I personally experience. So here we go. 👍
With Easter happening over the
weekend I thought this is as good of time as any to share some insight as to
what, and how, my relationship with God is. I have spent a little over 20 years
not believing in God. I was definitely on the side of science. I wasn't against
religion, I did feel it had its place in society, but it was for people who
might need a little more help to be a good person.
August 30th, 2015 that stance
on religion changed. I attended church by myself. I sat in the back row (as I
am sure most new people to church do) and I sat and listened. During the sermon
the Pastor for some reason just took a right hand turn and started talking
about Genesis. It wasn't part of the intended sermon. It actually had nothing
to do with the topic. He just felt God told him someone here needed to hear
about how everything started. How there was an explanation for the questions
someone was having. At that moment I believed. With the mindset of someone who
believed in science and reason, everything had a logical explanation. In this
case there wasn't a logical explanation. There wasn't a reason he would do
that. At first I thought well maybe he does this every Sunday. I continued to
attend this church and for over a year and half, it never happened again. So
week after week, month after month, I believed more and more.
So this sounds like a common
"saved" experience and I would agree. Someone comes to church and
hear God's calling. Then over time they start to experience God more in their
life. You start building a relationship with God. Now here comes the twist.
Here comes the my relationship God part.
I don't want to say everyone
with manic/bipolar tendencies feels or reacts this way, but for me this what
happens. Not just this time, but with almost situations. As I found God, it
made is easier for me to be right in my own mind. The thoughts of being right
and knowing it no matter what the world felt, took on a new meaning. I was
right and I didn't care what the world though, AND I heard it from God. Hard to
argue with me now world!!! That is how it is when you have a swing to a high.
You are on top of the world and you are so sure of everything and full of
yourself.
Looking back on my walk with
God over the last year and a half, there are a lot of questions running through
my head. Not questions about my faith, but what I heard. Did I hear it? Was it
God? Was it me convincing myself? Some of things I heard from "God"
happened, and some crashed down to earth. Once I realized and had a better
understanding of what I do and who I am during those high times, the doubt sets
in.
Once I leveled back out again,
I started reflecting on things. I could see where God, at times, was a tool for
me during that high. A tool to prove my point. Seeing that, and understanding
that you might think its good and will help, but quite the contrary. With self
awareness comes more questions, more doubt. With every decision there is
hesitation. Is this God I am hearing? I know the mistakes I made, and I
certainly don't want to repeat them. So now it is even harder to have that
relationship with God. Its's like living with a compulsive liar, but in this
case I am the liar. A liar to myself. Well at least I was, so now I question
myself. When I hear what I think is God, am I just lying to myself?
It's difficult struggle as I
continue my relationship with God. Everyday comes new questions and wonders. To
anyone who might be feeling something like this my only suggestion is to pray.
Really PRAY!!! I can't say that enough. Pray!!! You may still question
what you are hearing, but praying brings a sense of peace. For myself, if I
pray and continue to pray the better the outcome. The longer I take to pray and
reflect on the issue, the better the outcome tends to be.
I do hope everyone had an
amazing weekend and Easter. Thank you for stopping by. If you have any feedback
or comments, feel free to comment or send a note via the comment option on the
right.
Have a great week everyone.
Don't look out only for your
own interest, but take an interest in others, too.
Philippians 2:3
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